


Someone In Your Corner

by kirani, Lukutoukka



Series: In Your Corner [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Coming Out, Emails, Epistolary, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Injury, Kent Parson's Cat - Freeform, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Kent Parson/Jack Zimmermann, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, anonymous letters, background zimbits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-10-04 21:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 64
Words: 19,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17311868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirani/pseuds/kirani, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lukutoukka/pseuds/Lukutoukka
Summary: In Your Corner is an anonymous pen pal program designed to connect those in need of an ally during a difficult time in their lives, especially those in the LGBTQ+ community. To be paired with an ally, send an introduction to DearAlly@InYourCorner.org. If you’d like to send us additional details that may help us match you with an ally that you don’t want to share in your introduction letter, you can email us at Admin@InYourCorner.org. Nothing from that address is ever sent to your ally. Please allow up to one week to be paired with an ally. If you would like to become an ally, please send us a note at Admin@InYourCorner.org to set up a call!





	1. Excerpt from The Players’ Tribune, 9/23/14

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a joint effort! All correspondence by K will be posted by kirani and all correspondence by A will be posted by Lukutoukka. We’ve already written a good chunk of it and will be posting a new email daily, life allowing.  
> Unfortunately, In Your Corner does not exist, though we wish it did. That said, all email addresses, phone numbers etc in this fic are fictional (unless explicitly stated otherwise), please don’t try to use them.

Editor’s Note: While we generally don’t allow anonymous contributors, we have made an exception given the sensitive topic of this piece 

**I’m a (Closeted) Gay Professional Athlete**

by “A”

[...]

I know I am lucky. I play the game I love for a living. I have friends and family who love me. I am out to and accepted by my team. But I am afraid that I will never be able to come out to the public. I am afraid I will never be able to meet someone and fall in love and get married and have a family the same way as my teammates can. I am afraid of what I would face from other teams and from fans. I am still afraid of being quietly shifted away from play and forced into retirement. I know I’m lucky. But I am afraid.

I wrote this today to give you a look inside the homophobia that controls so many of us in the closet in professional sports and to encourage fans, parents of young athletes, and athletes of all ages to stand up to homophobia. Don’t let it in your trash talk. Make your locker rooms safe for non-straight teammates. Don’t let another kid be so scared they leave the sport they love for fear of being outed or worse.

If you’re an athlete in a similar position to myself, please consider your own safety in your advocacy and surround yourself with allies, friends, and family like I did. It makes all the difference to have a support system. I promise it gets better.

– A

 

Resources:

In Your Corner \- Ally Penpal program

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696  
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386  
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

 

[...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Players’ Tribune](https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us) is a real website with articles from athletes from different sports. The topics vary wildly, but you should go check it out. This particular article though does not exist, we took the liberty to make something up that fit our fic.
> 
> The numbers listed for the Depression Hotline, Suicide Hotline, Trevor Project and Sexuality Support are the real deal (albeit US based) – please do not hesitate to make use of them if you need to. If you are outside the US, there are a lot of local hotlines: googling “[your country] + crisis line” should turn up results or you can refer to [ TelefonSeelsorge.de](https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/?q=node/7651). It’s a German website, but if you scroll down, it lists resources for a variety of countries.


	2. Subject: Introduction

From:  [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com) specialk91@gmail.com  
To:  [](mailto:dearally@inyourcorner.org) dearally@inyourcorner.org  
Sent: Dec 15, 2014  
Subject: Introduction

Dear ally penpal,

I don’t really want to use my name in these correspondences, but you can call me K. 

I also don’t really know where to start with this. The prompt said I should say who I am and why I’m joining the program. So I’ll start with that. 

The reason I joined this program is I don’t really have a support system of my own. And I’m in a bit of a public job and it’s not the most open of field. So I guess I’m hoping for someone to talk to when being in the closet is hard. 

Now a little about me, I guess. I’m 23. Gay. White. Male. Cis. I have my mom and a younger sister but I haven’t spoken much with my mom since I was a teen. We don’t see eye to eye on things. My sister still lives with our mom so it’s hard to have a relationship with her, though she’s generally supportive of me.

I hope you’re well,

K

PS that last bit sounded stupid but idk how to end letters, even in emails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone wondering, yes, this will be a true epistolary, all written communication, no prose. Thanks for reading!!  
> We're on tumblr if you want to come yell at us for this slow burn nonsense we're putting you through. [kirani](http://willdexpoindexter.tumblr.com) and [Lukutoukka](http://vanillivilovesreus.tumblr.com/)


	3. Subject: Re: Introduction

From:  [](mailto:spudnik7@gmail.com) spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com) specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Dec 17, 2014   
Subject: Re: Introduction

 

Dear K,

Do not worry, your email is fine. I am glad to hear from you! It is important to have someone to talk to, especially when you can’t be open with friends as much as you want to. I am happy to be someone to talk to for you.

About me: I am from Russia, but I came to the US to work a couple of years ago. I am lucky in that I can talk to my family and some friends, but like you I can not be out to many people, because of my job and because the political situation back home is not easy. My parents and my big brother Sergei are back in Russia. I try to see them regularly, but I have a full schedule and it isn’t always easy.

I am 24 years old, and you can call me Alyosha, A or Spudnik, whatever you are most comfortable with. I just joined “In Your Corner” a little while ago, because I wish that I had something like this when I was figuring myself out. You are the first person I am in contact with through the program, so we will figure this out together, yes?

Your friend,

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments so far, we're really happy y'all are as excited as we are! - Lukutoukka


	4. Subject: Christmas

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: Dec 28, 2014  
Subject: Christmas

Hi A, 

Thanks for your email. It’s great that I’ll have someone I can write about stuff. Must be rough with Russian family, though. I have a couple of Russian friends and they’re not the homophobic sort but they’ve told me about what it’s like there and it sounds rough even if they’re straight. They don’t know I’m gay, but we were talking about homophobia in general.

It’s cool that we’re about the same age, but I guess I hadn’t really bothered to “figure myself out” as you put it until now. Some stuff happened that made me realize I probably needed to take a good look at my life and work on myself. Maybe I’ll tell you about it later. I’m still working through it myself.

I just got back home from visiting my mom and sister for Christmas and it was a rollercoaster. They mean well, you know? But my mom kept asking if I had a girlfriend even though she knows I only like guys, and when my sister said something about it she said she had hoped I’d “changed my mind”. Made for a very awkward holiday for sure. She’s never been mad about it, but she treats it like a phase that I should grow out of and since it’s now becoming clear I haven’t she’s just gonna ignore it apparently. Not that I have anyone to bring home for Christmas, but it would be nice to have her support.

My sister asked if I was talking to anyone and I told her I had signed up for In Your Corner but apparently she was talking about a therapist. Though she likes that I have you, too. Idk that I want to do therapy though, there’s so much about myself that I’d rather keep private.

Hope you’re having a good holiday season,

K


	5. Subject: Re: Christmas

From: spudnik7@gmail.com   
To: specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Jan 01, 2015   
Subject: Re: Christmas

Dear K,

I am sorry to hear that that’s how your holidays went. The last couple of weeks were a little stressful for me, as I had to work today as well as shortly before and after American Christmas, so I was not able to fly back home, but my family – my parents, Sergei and his fiancée – came to visit me. They will stay another week and a half, and I love having them here, but also sometimes it gets a little much.  
  
Regarding what your sister said – I was very lucky when I worked myself out, because I had people that I could talk to (even if none of them were gay themself), and even though the greater environment was not easy to navigate, I had and have close friends who supported me. As I have said in my first email, I am happy to be someone like that for you. But if you allow me, a stranger who knows nothing but your two emails about you, to say this: Talking to a therapist is probably a good idea.

I understand your reluctance, but give it some thought. I work in a high pressure environment and my employer has made a therapist accessible to me and my coworkers. I was reluctant to talk to her too, and it is not always easy, but I think it is good to talk a professional. I do not go regularly anymore, but I still see her every now and again. You know, they take an oath to keep your private stuff private? ;)

Give it some real thought, and if you still decide you do not want it, then you do not want it. But do not dismiss it out of hand.

I wish you all the best for the new year!

Your friend,

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed the total number of chapters went up... Yeah. The total count is likely to change again the closer we get to finish writing this thing. :D


	6. Subject: Therapy

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: Jan 15, 2015  
Subject: Therapy

Hi A,

I’m glad you got to see your family over the holidays, even if you were busy with work. Hope the rest of their visit was good.

I was pretty busy, too, but I did take some time to think about what you and my sister said about therapy. I think we also have some mental health options through my workplace but I decided I’d rather have someone not associated with work at all, so I got a referral from a friend of a friend. It was a bit convoluted but I just got back from my intake appointment with my new therapist and I think it’s gonna work out.

She assured me that unless I was a danger to myself or others nothing left the room and all my secrets were safe with her. And I don’t think I’m a danger to myself. Not anymore at least. There was a time I wasn’t so optimistic but things are looking up.

Anyways, it was nice to hear, just like it’s been nice to have you to talk to. It was just that this is someone in real life, not a stranger online, so it felt a little riskier, you know? But I feel safe with her and think it’ll do me good.

We talked about what I wanted to accomplish in the sessions and while I’m not ready to dive into my whole Tragic Backstory™, I told her a lot about myself that I usually hide. It was freeing to say the least. I only cried once. Thanks for encouraging me to go.

Hope the new year is treating you well,

K


	7. Subject: Re: Therapy

From:  spudnik7@gmai l.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Jan 20, 2015   
Subject: Re: Therapy

Dear K,

I may have been in a bit of a mood when I answered your last email. Work did not go so well, and having my family around was more stressful than usual that day. But overall, I like having my family around. And despite the frustrating start into the year, work wise, since then it has been better))

I am happy to hear that your intake appointment went well, and I am glad that you feel like you can talk to her. Although I am sad to hear that you have a “whole Tragic Backstory”.

I understand your reluctance to not go through your employer with this, because I was unsure about it myself when I first started therapy. And I also understand that it felt riskier in real life than it does on the internet. In the end, I think it is riskier, but often the risk is rewarded.

Speaking of real life risks – I am thinking of coming out to a friend at work, but I am unsure if this is the right time for it. We’re pretty busy right now and we’ll hopefully only get busier for the next week and months and I do not want to derail work by coming out. We also have to work together very closely and I am afraid of what might happen if he doesn’t react well. So I am just wondering if I should come out to him now, when I don’t have a real reason to, you know?

I hope things will continue to look up for you!))

Your friend,

Alyosha


	8. Re: Therapy

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: Jan 31, 2015  
Subject: Re: Therapy

Hi A,

You must be the most positive person on the planet if your last email was “in a mood.” I am sorry to hear that you had a rough time, though. Holidays and work being stressful at the same time is the worst. I hope you’re feeling better now.

I’ve had a couple more therapy appointments and they’re going pretty well. She’s yet to unlock the tragic past but we’re working on current issues I’m having and that’s helping. I hope you’re not worrying about me, I really am doing better, tragic past aside.

What you said about coming out to a coworker hit home for me though, and I figured, if not now, when? So I invited my best friend from work (and also just my best friend in general, my job doesn’t really believe in work-life balance) over for a few beers and I came out to him. First, he totally understands why I don’t want to be out at work. And in general, he took it really well. Like, _really_ well. Like, came out to me as bisexual. We kinda made out a little. But decided it was too weird. We’re bros and better off that way. Besides, I really like having a gay friend I’m not banging. I’ve never had one before.

And now we can talk about hot guys together. When not at work anyways. That’s still definitely not happening. He’s planning on never coming out and only dating women, which he’s fine with, but I just am not into women like that. So the single life it is, for me.

Do you want to tell me about your friend at work you were thinking about coming out to? I know if may not go quite as well for you but if you trust them I say go for it. No time like the present! However, I have a history of bad decision making, so feel free to ignore my advice. No pressure if you don’t want to, but I do like hearing about your life.

Talk soon,

K

PS what are the )) things?


	9. Subject: Coming Out

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Feb 3, 2015   
Subject: Coming Out

Dear K,

When I answered that mail, I had been upset by work and thus more critical about my family than I usually would be. And I am feeling better now, yes!)) 

I am glad to hear that your therapy is going well and all, but K!!! You came out and it went well!!! I am so happy to hear that!!! And I hope you forgive me, but I really had to laugh when you said that you made out a little with your friend. Very understandable))) Now you have me and your friend to talk to!

I totally understand him when he says he does not plan on coming out and only dating women, it sounds easier. Sometimes, I wish I had that option too.

About my friend – his name is Marty and he is one of my team leaders. Like with you, work-life balance is not really a thing in my job. It is all work now, work now, is your dream job, have fun! Can get exhausting sometimes. Anyway, work is the biggest part of my life at the moment and I was very nervous, coming out to a friend who is also team leader. But I read your email and it went very well for you, so I thought why the hell not. He is married, so I did not expect him to make out with me.))

It did go well, though. He and his wife had invited me to dinner, so I used that opportunity to come out to them, and their reaction was very nice))

Thank you for giving me that push to come out to Marty)))

Your friend,

Alyosha

P.S. )) are Russian smileys!! Very efficient, no eyes needed)))

P.P.S. I know only good decision making from you – joining In Your Corner, starting therapy, coming out to your friend… All good decisions!))


	10. Subject: Re: Coming Out

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: Feb 6, 2015   
Subject: Re: Coming Out

Hi A,

I’m so glad your coming out went well! We can’t all just make out with our friends though. That would make coming out too easy ;)

I’m glad you think I’m making good decisions recently, it’s about time I started doing that. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a history of bad decisions and it’s nice that my efforts to turn that around seem to be succeeding, even to a stranger on the internet.

I suppose you’re less of a stranger on the internet and more of a friend on the internet now though. Suppose I should start calling you Alyosha if we’re friends, huh?

I’m coming up on a really busy time at work so I may not be able to write much in the next few months, but I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your friendship and the time you spend writing with me.

Your friend,

K


	11. Subject: Busy Time

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Feb 7, 2015   
Subject: Busy Time

Dear K,

Us being friends is the whole point of this, no? But yes, we are friends. You can call me Alyosha if you want to, but you can also keep calling me A if that makes you more comfortable))

I’m coming up on a busy time at work too, but I still hope you will find the time to write me)))

Your friend,

Alyosha


	12. Subject: Checking in

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Mar 7, 2015   
Subject: Checking in

Dear K,

I know you said you’d come up on a busy time at work, but it has been a while since I have heard from you. Are you alright?

Your friend,

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	13. Subject: Checking in

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: April 7, 2015   
Subject: Checking in

Dear K,

It has been a long while since I’ve heard from you, everything alright? Please let me know.

Your friend,

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're... sorry? at least a little.


	14. Subject: The Tragic Backstory™

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: April 25, 2015  
Subject: The Tragic Backstory™

Hi Alyosha,

I’m sorry for disappearing on you. Work got really busy, we had an issue with one of the guys I manage, some stuff from my past came back to haunt me, and the longer it had been the weirder it felt to reply. But mostly I got stressed and fell into some bad habits. So I’m sorry.

I’ve stuck to my therapy appointments, though, so rest assured that I’m still talking to someone and I’m not in danger or anything. Just an idiot. My friend from work has also been a big help since most of my stress is work related and he understands. Not that I value your friendship and emails any less, there’s just a lot I don’t feel comfortable talking about online. I hope you understand.

The good news about all this shit from my past cropping back up is I finally talked with my therapist about it. It felt good to actually talk about some stuff that I usually don’t say to anyone. I gave a really abbreviated version of it to my work friend but I didn’t want to go too in depth since he kinda knows my ex. Anyways, I guess it made me want to share it with you, too, what I can. So here goes.

When I was in high school, I was in love with my best friend. We fooled around, quite a lot actually, but we never really defined anything. I think it was a lot more serious for me than it was for him. We were just stupid kids but I thought we were forever, you know? Only I didn’t know how to say that.

Some shit went down right after high school though, and he cut me out of his life. I took it really hard, like, I clearly did something wrong for him to do that, right? My therapist disagrees, and we’ll see if that message makes it through my thick skull, but it’s a start to talk about it. I never really talked to anyone about it and I probably should have.

My mom knew about us, that’s how she found out I was gay, actually, she walked in on us making out once. She counted it as a good thing when he dumped me and disappeared. If you can call it dumping when we weren’t really “together” anyways. But she thought it was for the best and that I should just move on. I mostly got really angry. And when I get angry I just bury it. And then it tends to explode until I can bury it again. It’s a bad cycle. Didn’t need a therapist to tell me that, but she’s helping me come up with some strategies to disrupt the cycle.

Anyways, my ex-best friend/fuckbuddy/whatever we were and I are now in the same line of work and it’s caused a lot of anger. We’re not in the same city, but the same field so sometimes I’m gonna see him.

That thing I mentioned before that prompted this whole “figuring myself out” thing? I went to see him when I heard he was coming to work in the field. I told him I wanted him back. I told him I could refer him to my boss and he could move to my city and we could work together and be together and that I missed him. And he closed down. Told me I “always say that” and I got angry and lashed out. I said some shit, he said some shit, nobody got what they wanted, and he’ll probably never speak to me again. I probably owe him an apology but he definitely doesn’t want to see my face right now or probably ever so I am just working on it with my therapist instead.

Part of me is convinced I’m still in love with him, that I always will be, but really I think I’m love with the idea of him. That promise of forever. I haven’t really known him since we were 18. I’m nearly 24. I don’t know him anymore. Sure, I can still push his buttons and he can push mine, but he’s different and I’m different. And you can’t be in love with someone you don’t know.

So I’m working on moving on. I’ve got my therapist, my best friend, and hopefully still you. I’m committing to bettering myself and talking about my shit and not disappearing on people. The busiest time of year is over at work and I’ve decided I’m gonna take the summer to make some positive changes. Ex-whatever be damned. Who knows, maybe I’ll even try to date a little.

If you haven’t given up on me, I hope you’re well. Please let me know how you’re doing, how Marty is, anything really. I miss talking to you. I’m trying to be better.

Your friend,

K


	15. Subject: Re: The Tragic Backstory™

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: April 27, 2015   
Subject: Re: The Tragic Backstory™

Dear K,

Of course you still have me! I understand – that life can get hectic and that there are some things you can not talk about with a stranger on the internet. I am very glad that you wrote again anyway. I was maybe a little bit worried when I did not hear from you in so long. And I missed talking to you too.

I will be honest, I am not entirely sure what to say to your story. Well, firstly I should probably say that I think that it is good that you talk to your therapist about it. I am sure she has better words and advice for this than I do.

I do not think I can say a whole lot about the situation just knowing these broad strokes, but it sounds like both you and your ex made mistakes. And – if you will allow me to say this – like you crossed some boundaries very recently. But relationships between teenagers can get messy and complicated, even without the added stress of not being out. (I’m assuming neither one of you was out at the time.) I do not think that all the blame falls on you. Or should fall on you.

If you want to apologise to your ex, maybe you could write him a letter or an email? That way, he can decide whether he wants to read and/or answer it. Or you could just write it and not send it, to get it out there. I have been told that just writing things down and then getting rid of the paper helps.

About me and Marty… Well, we are having a really busy time at work as well. This is the thing that we have been working towards since last autumn and it is very important, but it is also mentally and physically exhausting. Some days I feel as if all I am doing is work, work, work. We are constantly traveling back and forth for the foreseeable future. It is hard, but I do not really want it to end, either, because that would mean that we failed, you know? 

Marty... Marty must both lead the team and somehow balance his family, his wife and small son. I do not know how he manages, but it seems to work. He and his wife are “goals” and he may or may not be a role model of mine. At work and outside of work, too.

I do not have a lot of time, so I must finish now, but… Call or text, maybe?

401-555-0164

Tell me more about your plans now that work is less busy for you? What is your type? I want to hear about everything you are getting up to!)))

Your friend,

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The number Alyosha gives K is from a website with dead numbers, but maybe don't try it anyway ;)


	16. Subject: I'm Sorry

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To:  
_Draft  
_Subject: I’m Sorry 

Jack,

I’m sorry I showed up at Samwell. Twice.

I’m sorry that I showed up to gloat with the cup. I wanted you to just _look_ at me for once. Even if you didn’t look at me like you used to. I just wanted your eyes on me. I’m sorry I didn’t respect the boundaries you set.

I’m sorry I showed up again in December. When I heard the rumors that you were finally going pro I had to see you again. I had to just try to get back a slice of what we once had. We were good, Zimms. We were the best. I wanted that again and I’m sorry that I didn’t respect that that was no longer what you wanted.

I understand why all of that was inappropriate and why what I said was hurtful. Honestly, I meant it to be. I’m working on not hurting people on purpose anymore. I’m sorry it took that day to get me to realize I needed to change.

When you cut me out after the draft, it broke my heart. I held onto “us” for far longer than I should have, especially because I’m not sure there ever was an “us”. But you were my best friend in the Q, Jack, and I almost lost you, and then when I got you back I lost you all over again. It’s important to me that you know you hurt me.

For a long time I believed myself to still be in love with you. Yes, I was in love with you. I know you weren’t. It’s alright. By the end, I was just in love with the idea of you. What we could have been. I’m working on moving on. I have friends who support me and a therapist. I’m doing better and I won’t bother you anymore.

I don’t expect anything back from you because I’m not sending this email. I didn’t even put your email in so I can’t do it by accident or whatever. But I hear it helps to write these things out even if you don’t send it.

I really do miss you.

Kent


	17. Subject: Re: The Tragic Backstory™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters today because K wrote two emails at once! we're trying to not let this take forever to post so when they write to other people besides each other they'll be posted together.

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: May 2, 2015  
Subject: Re: The Tragic Backstory™

Hi Alyosha,

Thanks for not giving up on me. It really does mean a lot. (My therapist says I should thank people when I appreciate them more often).

I’m gonna start with the lighter parts of your email. I’m glad you and Marty are doing well with your project! Even if you don’t have any time to yourselves. It’s good to accomplish shit at work. I always enjoy it, anyways. Sucks that Marty has to split his time with his family though. I hope he gets to go home regularly soon. Maybe take a nice vacation. You deserve one too, maybe with some single friends? After your project of course.

I’m glad you have a friend like Marty. You deserve it.

I don’t think I’m ready to text or call you right now. I saved your number in my phone though, in case I change my mind. Thanks for trusting me with it.

Regarding your thoughts on my ex, I took your advice and wrote him a letter. I saved it in my email and I’m not going to send it, but it did feel good to write it. I told him all the things he had done that hurt me, explained and apologized for what I had done that hurt him, and told him I was going to leave him alone. It was pretty cathartic. I think it may even be the closure I was looking for.

I told my therapist about it and she said you’re very smart to think of that and she’s glad it helped. I didn’t show it to her but we did talk about what I wrote. That helped, too.

Good luck on your project.

Your friend,

K

PS My type is rather predictable. I like my men tall, dark, and handsome. Accents help, too.


	18. Subject: Summer

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: May 7, 2015   
Subject: Summer

Dear K,

It would take a lot more than that for me to give up on you, I promise. I understand that you are not yet ready to call or text. I thought that might be the case. But know that you are always welcome to call or text.

Sadly, for all that the last weeks were very exhausting, the project is over for us, and we have summer vacation. It is a little jarring, going from very busy to nothing to do, even though I should be used to it by now. Once the school year ends as well, Marty and his family will go home to Canada for the summer, and I am planning to go back to Russia for a bit, to visit my family. Although I must admit that every year, my visits to Russia become shorter and shorter. Maybe I will travel around Europe for a bit, or visit Marty in Canada. Even though he is from Québec, and I never got a hang of French. English is complicated enough.

When you say “maybe with some single friends”, what are you insinuating, K?)) And what are your plans for the summer? You never told anything more concrete!

I am very happy to hear that drafting a letter to your friend did help you, but tell your therapist she is too kind calling me very smart. Just regular smart)))

Keep me updated over the summer, K!

Alyosha

P.S. If he was not happily married (and straight), I would offer to introduce you to Marty. Very tall, dark, super handsome, and he never lost the Québecois accent, even though he has been working in the US for a long time now. Very nice, listening to him. Hard for me sometimes, when he pronounces words funnily.


	19. Subject: Re: Summer

From:  [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com) specialk91@gmail.com  
To:  [](mailto:spudnik7@gmail.com) spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: May 12, 2015  
Subject: Re: Summer

Hi Alyosha,

I’m sorry to hear your project didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, but I’m glad you get a break and get to see your family. I know how much you care about them. 

Visiting Marty sounds awesome, too. I’ve been to Quebec and my French is abysmal but you can get around alright, especially if you have a friend with you. It’s cool that you guys get so much time off for summer. Do you work in academia or something? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

My comment about single friends was not meant as anything! My married friends just don’t like to go on vacations with me and my other single friends, so that’s how I always do vacations. Couldn’t hurt to make some single “friends”, though, on your vacation, if you know what I mean ;)

It sounds like my summer will be similar to yours. I’m going to visit my sister in a couple of weeks for her high school graduation. I’m so friggin proud of her, you have no idea. She wanted to go to college far from home but our mom won’t let her, so she’s staying at a state school. I’m going to take some more vacation time in August to help her move in there. 

In between, I’ll probably take a trip with my best friend somewhere. We’ve talked about doing a road trip somewhere but we haven’t decided where yet. Probably somewhere cooler, as we live in a pretty hot place and it’ll be good to get out of the heat. There’s only so long I can sit poolside.

Hope your trip to Russia goes well.

Your friend,

K

PS I’ll just have to find my own man, unless you’re hiding any other tall, dark, handsome men with accents ;)


	20. Re: Summer

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: May 17, 2015   
Subject: Re: Summer

Dear K,

Yes, I am looking forward to seeing the family, but it is going to bring some stuff up. Sergei is getting married, as well as one of our cousins. Seems like when one started, everyone else followed suit and now I am constantly being invited to weddings. I can’t always make it, but when I do, my mother always looks at me so sad. So, we’ll see.

Regarding my job: No, I do not work in academia))) As I said, just regular smart)) I also do not get the whole summer off. But we do have less to do in the summer months, so we are usually allowed long vacations and working from home. It is nice, but of course we only get that because we can not take a lot of time off the rest of the year.

You know, Marty says same thing about getting by in Québec. Some other friends are up there too, plus I really like the little one, so I think I will give it a try. Maybe make some new friends with nice Québecois accent))) 

Vacationing with work friends sounds fun. We do not do that a lot, because we have to travel a lot for work together, so we appreciate the time away from each other during the summer. Plus, many of us moved for the job, so a lot of us go back to visit their family, like me. But roadtrip… Maybe I can talk one of the other guys into one some time. Not this summer, though. I might go somewhere warm though, because I do get a lot of cold and snow where I live. Russia, too.

I do feel you on the not being able to side poolside for long though, I am the same. At the very least, I need to get some work out in, that is not splashing some water around.

Say hi, congratulations and good luck with the new school to your sister from me!! Well done, K’s sis))) 

Your friend,

Alyosha


	21. Subject: HELP

From:  tatertot7@gmail.com   
To:  sebastian.st.martin@gmail.com   
Sent: May 17, 2015   
Subject: HELP

Marty,

Tell me I am not handsome.

K, from ally pen pal, says his type tall, dark, handsome and accent. Like him, but is  _ ally pen pal _ , not online dating service. Can not think I am his type.

Help!!

Tater

P.S. Thank you for invitation, July work perfectly! See you then))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voilà, two chapters today for y'all :D


	22. Subject: Big Suuuuuur

From: kentvparson@gmail.com  
To: Jeffery.p.Troy@gmail.com  
Sent: May 25, 2015  
Subject: Big Suuuuuur

Swoops there it iiiiiiiis

Are you ready bro?

Check in starts at 3p but we prob won’t be there until 5 or 6, assuming we don’t stop. So probs more like 7 or 8. Because food and shit.

I forwarded you the resie, cabin is booked through June 9

I’ll pick you up at 10a tomorrow. I got first shift if you’ll bring me coffee.

El Capitan


	23. Subject: Re: Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters today!

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: June 2, 2015  
Subject: Re: Summer

Hi Alyosha,

Hello from vacation! My best friend and I ended up making that road trip after all. It’s in the 70s here and it’s so nice. We’re near the ocean but neither of us can surf so we’re just chilling on the beach and wandering some hiking trails. It’s very nice. No work talk allowed.

I hope your family isn’t giving you too hard a time with the wedding and being the single cousin. I don’t have a lot of cousins but I know the feeling of watching all my friends getting married at work and getting those sad looks. I’m sorry you have to deal with that from family.

Everyone is always offering to set me up with girls and I just have to tell them I’m not ready to settle down yet when I want nothing more than to wake up with someone every morning. I’m a romantic that way, I guess. Being on vacation with my best friend is making me wish we could have just fallen in love a little bit. I’m so glad to have him as my friend but sometimes I wish it was that easy, to fall for a friend.

I hope you get a chance to go up to Canada to visit Marty. Quebec is beautiful in the summer. I should really make it back up there sometime. I haven’t been since I was a kid.

I passed on your congratulations to my sister and she said thanks. She also said to thank you for being my pen pal, which I don’t do enough. So thank you, from me and from M.

Hope your summer is going well, in Russia, Canada, and home.

Your friend,

K


	24. Subject: Re: Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter today...

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: July 2, 2015   
Subject: Re: Summer

Dear K,

Sorry it took me so long to answer you, I hope you had a great time with your friend. I can not believe the 70s count as a cool temperature for you. Also, I had to google how hot that is in °C, because I do not think I will ever get used to Fahrenheit. Americans are weird.

I am back from Russia, and it was not as bad as it could have been, I guess. At least I did not get offers to be set up with girls. (Well, most of them were not very serious.)

Right now I am staying with Marty, actually. It is pretty great, the little one has so much energy! I do not know how he does it. On the other hand, seeing Marty and his wife and the little one together, combined with the weddings… I totally understand you. One day, I want what they have. It makes me a little sad now, but I am hopeful.

I need to stop here, I promised the little one a visit to the zoo and he insists we go now. His favourite animals are penguins. I am not sure why that is, although I suppose they walk funny. Sadly, his love for penguins translates to hockey as well, his favourite player is Crosby… He was very sad when they walked out of the playoffs early. The rest of the family sticks to the Falconers, so at least it’s all birds.

Your friend,

Alyosha


	25. Subject: Re: Summer

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: July 31, 2015  
Subject: Re: Summer

Hi Alyosha,

Welcome back from Russia! Or Canada at this point I guess. I did worry about you a bit, I have to say. I know you’re careful but I’ve heard horror stories, you know? 

Glad to hear you got to visit Marty and his family! It sounds like the little one enjoyed having you around, which is always nice. Hopefully he grows out of his Crosby love, though. You’ll have to sway him to another team. Do you also support the Falcs like Marty? I’m a fan of my local hockey team but I’m afraid they aren’t a bird. I wish I had a friend with a little kid I could play with. I love kids but I don’t know any. Someday. 

Sorry it’s been so long since I wrote. My summer has been pleasantly busy. I had my best friend trip in June and then my birthday was in July. I hosted all my friends and most of my coworkers at my house. It was busy and the pool got a lot of use. I’ve done a lot of working out and a lot of pool lounging and a little bit of everything in between. 

Work is picking up again now, but it’s a nice sort of busy, not the insane sort. We brought on some new people and I’m excited to see how we all work together. They’re good people, though one of them is straight out of school and reminds me a bit of myself in his self-destructive tendencies. 

My therapist gave me some ideas for helping him find his spot at the company without making him feel like he can’t have fun or something. It’s a stressful environment though and I worry. Will have to keep an eye on him. 

I’m heading back home in a couple of weeks to take my sister to college, the last time off I’ll have before it gets really busy around here. When does your work start to pick up again? Hope you’ve managed to recharge enough this summer that the busy times, when they come, are manageable. 

Your friend,

K


	26. Subject: End of Summer

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: August 5, 2015   
Subject: End of Summer

Dear K,

Happy belated birthday!! Wish you all the best)))

And I am very happy to hear that you had a good summer.)) Work is slowly picking up again for me as well. It will get busier in September, but for now it is good getting back into the groove a little. Every year, we are shuffling some people around, so it will be interesting who I will be working with. I have already heard much about one of the new guys, and I am looking forward to meeting him. 

Regarding your young coworker, I am sure you will do good. Give him stern talking to, if needed.)) Maybe you can tell from your own experiences? Keep me updated on the situation, if you feel comfortable, maybe I can help too)))

As for hockey… In America the best team is definitely Falcs, but in Russia, Metallurg from Magnitogorsk is hometown team, always in my heart.

Hope you will have fun spending time with your sister, say hi from me and not to trust any boys, school is more important))))

Your friend,

Alyosha


	27. Subject: Love you sis

From: kentvparson@gmail.com  
To: meg.parson814@gmail.com    
Sent: August 23, 2015  
Subject: Love you sis

Hey Meg,

I know I just dropped you off but I love you, kid. You know you can always call me if you need me. I may not be able to fly to NY but I will always answer your call or call you back as soon as I can.

Remember what I said about drinking. Keep an eye on your drinks. Stick with people you trust. Know your limits. If anyone pushes you to do something you don’t want to, tell them your brother will kick their ass.

Use protection, too. I’m not ready to be an uncle yet.

Love you,

Kent


	28. Subject: The Ex

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: September 5, 2015  
Subject: The Ex

Hi Alyosha,

I hope you’ll let me rant for a moment.

My ex is all anybody talks about at work. They know we used to be friends so most people don’t talk to _me_ about him. But some do and a lot of them talk about him when they think I can’t hear. They definitely talk about him when I’m not there. It sucks.

I’m sticking to my therapist appointments, even had a couple of extras, and my best friend is looking out for me for sure, but he can’t always be there, you know? It’s just… everyone's all excited about him at work and what he’s gonna do and it’s just such shit. I hate hearing his name all the time and being reminded of the fuck up I’ve been and wondering when everything is going to go to hell again.

I get it, he’s good at what he does. And it’s not jealousy. I don’t think. But I hate that no one will leave it alone. Why can’t they let me just move on in peace?

Okay. Rant over.

I moved my sister in to her freshman dorm, gave her lots of big brotherly advice, and made it all the way back to my car before I cried. I can’t believe she’s going off to college! I was there when she was born! Shouldn’t be allowed. But I think she’s gonna be alright.

I guess it’s alright that you support the Falcs. They’re not my favorite team but I’ll allow it. I know what you mean about hometown teams though, I’ll always support my first team from back home. But I like my new hometown and the team here too. They’re good and they seem like good guys, if that makes sense.

My new coworker, everyone is calling him “the kid” because he’s young and has a baby face, is doing really well. He had an initial bought of crazy partying but I sat down with him to chat about how he was doing in his first adult job and all that, and he listened to what I had to say. He’s even considering getting a therapist. (Look at me, getting other people into therapy when I had to get pushed into it myself less than a year ago!)

I hope your work is going well and that you’re still taking some time to yourself. Sounds fun to get to work with other people in new projects!

Your friend,

K


	29. Subject: Re: The Ex

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: September 6, 2015   
Subject: Re: The Ex

Dear K,

Of course I allow you to rant. Always. It is good to get things of your chest, and it is not like I know your ex. I am glad that your friend is able to help you and that you’re still going to therapy, I am very proud))

I know hearing about your ex all the time must be grating on your nerves, but you can do this. You can move on despite hearing about your ex more now, I believe in you))

That being said, if you allow me – I know that it is easier said than done, but try not to think too much about what the others are talking about when you are not there. You can not influence it. You are not hearing it. There is no need to think about it. Again, I know it is not easy, one can not simply turn of one’s thoughts. Maybe you can channel all these thoughts into work or something?

And if you feel comfortable with that, you can always call me. Or text me. Okay?

Regarding your sister: From what I have heard, she is a good kid, with a very good older brother, she will be fine))) Maybe do some stupid things, but that is what college is about, no? With you by her side, she can not do too bad))

Thank you for allowing me to support the Falcs, means a lot to me :P I have kind of high hopes for this season. They have Jack Zimmermann now, that will be interesting, and last years team was better than what they ended up with…

Anyway, speaking of new guys, it is good to hear that your new coworker is listening to you. Well done, K)) and well done, “the kid”... I am laughing about this nickname. He must love it.

I have just met my new coworkers too! It is very exciting. We still have to find our groove, and see how close we will end up working together, but at least they seem very nice. I can not wait! One of them is my age, and his papa is kind of known in our business, but he is only now coming to us because he did go to college and did some other stuff beforehand. I think he was trying to figure out if he really wants to follow in his papa’s footsteps. I have heard good things about him, so having him here now is good))

The other coworker I am looking forward to working with is a little older and experienced. He is very centered and kind of zen, you know? He will be great for the team. I only know him less than a week, but he will rely heavily on my work and already I do not want to let him down. I also hope that he and I can become friends outside of work as well… We will see. 

So yes, work is going well right now! I hope work will get better for you again, too!

Your friend,

Alyosha


	30. Subject: Why

From: kentvparson@gmail.com  
To: Jeffery.p.Troy@gmail.com  
Sent: Sept 15, 2015  
Subject: Why

So…

I wrote my pen pal about Jack. Not naming names or anything (he still doesn’t even know I play hockey) but basically how frustrating it is that everyone is talking about him and about us and all that.

And in his reply HE FUCKING TALKED ABOUT JACK. how excited he was for what zimms was bringing to the falcs or whatever and just

WHY

How did i end up with a pen pal that supports the falcs. What did i do to anger the universe.

I know he didn’t do it on purpose but still.

I hate everything.

Cap


	31. Subject: Good Luck

From: kentvparson@gmail.com  
To:  
 _Draft  
_ Subject: Good Luck

Hey Zimms,

Saw you in your first NHL preseason game. You look good.

Everyone’s talking about you, even my fucking anonymous pen pal. He’s a fucking Falcs fan, can you believe it? Who would root for you losers?

I hope you’re doing alright. Don’t let the haters get you down.

Miss you,

Kent


	32. Subject: Re: The Ex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An unprecedented third chapter in one day! Kent has a lot of feelings, okay?

Fr: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Sept 15, 2015  
Subject: Re: The Ex

Hi Alyosha,

Thanks for letting me rant. It really did help. I’m trying not to let it get to me and my best friend has also been reminding me to breathe and ignore it. It’s just taking some time to adjust to the new normal. 

My sister is settling into college really well. She’s still undecided but she and her roommate are becoming besties and her classes are going well. I’m proud of her. We set up a weekly Skype call to make sure we’re keeping in touch. 

I’m glad work is going well for you. It sounds like you’ve got a good team going. Good luck befriending your new coworker. I think you’ll do just fine. You seem like a really friendly guy, anyone would be lucky to be your friend. 

Your friend, 

K


	33. Subject: Coming Out (Again)

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Sept 20, 2015   
Subject: Coming Out (Again)

Dear K,

I hope everything is alright with you, your last email seemed pretty short. Did I say something wrong?

I am happy to hear that your sister is settling in at college! The new coworker I told you about is constantly raving about his college experience. Well, as much raving as he does, he is pretty quiet and reserved. Apparently, he met his girlfriend at college. He constantly brings pies from her.

The other coworker… We call him Snowy, like the goalie from the Falconers, because of his last name.))) Long story, but I came out to him? We were just hanging out at my place after work (because that is a thing we are doing!) and I just kind of … told him. He was really cool about it too, had all the right words. So that went well))) Also, we are working well together at work, at least in my opinion, so that is good too. 

Speaking of work, that is really picking up again now, but it is going great, I really like the team we have. It is very motivating)))

How is it going for you?

Alyosha


	34. Subject: (no subject)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters for y'all today!

From:  tatertot7@gmail.com   
To:  sebastian.st.martin@gmail.com ,  dustinsnow.y@gmail.com   
Sent: Sept 20, 2015   
Subject: (no subject)

Hangover is killing me, why did you not take vodka from me?? Have screen brightness turned way down and still is too bright((

But thank you for letting me talk about K and giving advice! I did write and ask if I said something wrong, was really short email from him, and kind of cold(((

See you at practice tomorrow


	35. Subject: Re: Coming Out (Again)

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Sept 24, 2015  
Subject: Re: Coming Out (Again)

Hi Alyosha,

I’m glad to hear your second coming out went well! Snowy seems like a good guy. Like I said, anyone would be lucky to be your friend. Have to give you a little bit of shit for naming your friend after a hockey player, though. You Falcs fans are weird ;)

Sorry my last email was a bit terse. It wasn’t anything you said, I was just really stressed. I tend to shut down when I get stressed. I think we talked about it before. Reverting to bad habits and all that. Hope you didn’t worry about me too much. I really do like being your friend and I hate that you have to worry about me.

I think I’ve been more cautious in these emails than I need to be. I’m just a really private person and hiding every single fact about myself felt like the safest way to do this. But I really do consider you one of my closest friends at this point and it seems weird how little you know about me. You’ve been with me through some rough stuff and I’m so glad to have your support. So I’m starting with this. I live in Las Vegas and I support the Aces. (You’ll understand now why I have to give you a little shit about your Falcs support, but know it is all in good fun).

My sister continues to be smarter than me in every way and is excelling at college. I wonder sometimes what I would be like if I had gone to college instead of going straight to work. I did some vocational training in high school and then went straight to work after. I think maybe I would be a better person now if I had gone to college though. Learned how my actions affect people and all that. My therapist can only do so much and everyone I know who went to college is always full of life-changing experiences that I’ll never get.

Besides, most people I know met their spouses in college, so I feel like I missed out on that, too. Maybe I would have met Mr. Right there. Now I’ll never know. I’m happy with how my life turned out, most days. I’m good at my job and respected as a leader at work. I just wonder sometimes. My therapist says it’s natural but not to fixate on it. I’m trying.

Work is picking up here, too. The Kid is doing well though, he’s definitely growing up faster than I ever did. I’m just glad he let me in. I think if someone had tried to take me under their wing when I first started I would have rejected it and acted out.  

I’m glad your team is working well together. Good luck with the busyness.

Your friend,

K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally some good fucking food


	36. Subject: Re: Coming Out (Again)

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Sept 25, 2015   
Subject: Re: Coming Out (Again)

Dear K,

We are not that weird. Maybe Falconer’s goalie is named after my Snowy))) And it is not like you have much room to talk, Aces are definitely weirder than Falconers.))

I worried a little – not because I have to, but because I choose to. I consider you a good friend, too, and I thought maybe I had said something wrong. I do want good things for you, and I will be here for you as long as you want me to, no matter how much you are willing to tell me about yourself.

But I understand that you might want to be a little cautious, I am still a stranger on the internet. Promise your secrets are safe with me, though. (Might have to find you a different hockey team though. The desert is no place for hockey))) What is it like, living in Las Vegas? Very glamorous?

I think it is normal to wonder what might have been, I do too, sometimes. But I also believe that we will find good things no matter what path we choose to take. If you had gone to college, you would be a different person today, maybe better, maybe not. Going to college does not equal becoming a good person. You have to put in the work, no matter when or where.

As for Mr. Right – it is the same thing. Maybe you would have found him in college, but maybe not. We can not know. It does not mean anything other that you will find your Mr. Right somewhere else. At work, maybe, or on vacation. But I am sure that you will find him)))

I am still chuckling about your co-worker. How does he like being called The Kid? I am glad that he listens to you, though. Sounds like a smart cookie.

Like your sister. I am happy to hear that she is still doing good at college, say hi from me, maybe?))

Your friend,

Alyosha


	37. Chapter: Re: Coming Out (Again)

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Oct 2, 2015  
Subject: Re: Coming Out (Again)

Hi Alyosha,

I maintain that the Aces are a good team, even if they play an ice sport in the middle of the desert. Two Stanley Cups since I moved here. I don’t see any Cups for your Falcs. Just saying. And I highly doubt your Snowy was the first, though clearly he’s the better Snowy if he’s your friend. So I’ll let him have the title of the Better Snowy.

Vegas is not as glamorous as you might think, though. Besides the strip itself, the city is pretty chill. When I first moved here, I lived close to the strip but all the tourists everywhere drove me a bit crazy. I was a bit of a party animal but even I had a line and the strip is just too much. Now I’m further away from the craziness but not quite in the suburbs. Not ready to settle down in the burbs while I’m still young and single, you know?

The rest of the city is pretty cool, though. Glitter Gulch is my favorite spot. It’s all pedestrian traffic, lots of entertainment and fun stuff to do. Plus. Glitter. Kinda my MO. We’re also really close to the Grand Canyon and all sorts of other cool nature. The desert is not as boring as you might think. I like getting out on the highways and hanging out in cool rock formations. They don’t care who you are, you know? Gives you some perspective.

The Kid has come to love his nickname and makes sad puppy dog eyes at us to get his way sometimes. He’s probably taking a bit advantage of our adopting him (mostly me and my best friend but some other coworkers also have adopted him a bit), but he’s a good kid so I’m not upset, really. He could be hanging out with much worse people. 

One last thing before I sign off. If you’re worrying for me, I get to worry for you. That’s how it works. So know that I’m worrying about you. I think for all the what-ifs I have I’m happy with where I am. I got to meet you, if nothing else. And I’m working on my growth. All things considered, it could be worse. 

Your friend,

K


	38. Subject: News!!!

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Oct 15, 2015   
Subject: News!!!

Dear K,

I am sorry, it has been a while since I last wrote. Life got a little bit hectic for a while. You said you get to worry about me too, and you do, but I hope you did not worry too much.

I have news, though. Several pieces of news, actually! 

First, do you remember the new colleague whose girlfriend was baking so much? Turns out, it is not a girlfriend, but a boyfriend! J, the colleague, brought him along to dinner with Marty’s family and me. His name is B and he is very small (compared to me, at least. He is not quite a full head smaller than J) and blonde. Cute, if I may say so. They met at college, but B is originally from the South. Sometimes, when he talks fast and his accent comes out more, it is hard for me to understand him. But I really like him. He makes very good pie, and J kind of lights up around him. They are very cute together. Makes me a little sad sometimes, to see them together, when I am alone. But I am also happy for J, he has only eyes for B)))

I used the opportunity to come out too. I did not want to distract from the two of them, but they seemed little nervous. Less nervous when I said that I am gay too. Although J said that he is bi. I think. He was stammering a lot. 

Second piece of news is about Marty’s family. Marty and Gabby told me when I came by for dinner. (I have dinner with them once a week, did I tell you about that? Not always just me, sometimes Snowy comes too. Or J. Sometimes we have dinner at my place, although I do not think they are convinced yet that I make the food myself. But I do. Well, most of it.) Anyway, the news – their family will grow in April! They expect baby!! I tell them is badly planned, because work is always busy in April, but they only laughed. The little one is excited too, I think. Do I need a new nickname for the little one, once the baby is born?

Speaking of, Marty and his family know about you. In broad terms. I tell them about In Your Corner, and that I exchange emails with funny Aces fan, but no details. I hope that is okay. It came up when we talked about hockey. The little one wants me to tell you that the Penguins have won the Cup three times already and they will again this season, because of Crosby and Malkin. I think it is maybe the season for the Falconers. Was big discussion over dinner, until Gabby said that if any of us brought up hockey again during dinner, we would not get dessert. Very effective. But the little one was a little crestfallen that he was not allowed to talk more about Crosby, so to change the topic, I told him that you like to hang out with the rocks. He seemed a little dubious about the coolness factor of hanging out with rocks. We do not have a desert (dessert? Desert? Stupid English) here, but we do have some rocks by the sea. I promised to take the little one some time, so we can go hang out with the rocks too.

(I think hanging out with the rocks sounds great.)

What you told of Vegas sounds interesting! I have been to Vegas before, but only short trips for work. Usually we do not have the time to go exploring a lot, so I only know the touristy parts, I guess. Maybe when I have some time off, I should visit Vegas for more than a couple of days and do non-touristy stuff. Go out into the desert and see if hanging out with desert rocks is different than hanging out with sea rocks. Visit Grand Canyon… Although that is also a touristy thing to do, I guess.

Do not let the kid get away with too much!)))

Alyosha

P.S. From where I am sitting, you are doing great, growth wise. And I am happy I met you too)))


	39. Subject: Re: News!!!

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Oct 22, 2015  
Subject: Re: News!!!

Hi Alyosha,

So… you like shorter, blond men, huh? Point in my favor ;)

All jokes aside, I’m glad to hear all of your good news! I’m glad the little one is excited about having a younger sibling. I loved being an older brother but I know some kids don’t adjust as well. Tell your friends congrats from your Aces fan. 

Also very cool to have another LGBT coworker! I know you both likely still can’t be out but it’s awesome that you can have each other to lean on. I know it has been a lot of help for me with my best friend. 

You should definitely go hang out with the rocks on the coast but the desert rocks are just so much more. I can’t begin to describe it. I’ve never really been religious but they transport me somehow, to sit in their shadows. May sound silly but I like it. 

Let me know next time you’re in Vegas and I’ll plan you an excursion or two. Do you rent a car while you’re here usually? 

I totally hear what you’re saying with being a bit sad about J and B (gotta be careful which order you put those in!) but I’m sure you will find someone soon. You’re too much of a sweetheart to stay single for long, even if you can’t be all the way out. Maybe J or Marty knows someone they could set you up with? Just a thought. You deserve it. 

Say hi to the little one for me (I think you can keep the nickname for now and the new baby just be the baby. The little one is clearly a good kid) and let him know if he ever wants to support a new team, the Aces are looking pretty good this year ;)

Your friend, 

K


	40. Subject: Re: News!!!

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com [](mailto:specialk91@gmail.com)   
Sent: Nov 4, 2016   
Subject: Re: News!!!

The little one is indeed a good kid. He says hi back and that he will not support the Aces, although he did allow that Parson is a “pretty good” player, when I brought it up. (I think that Parson plays very pretty hockey and, yes, shorter blond men are exactly my type, soo…) Instead, he has plans to make the baby a Penguins fan too. He says he wants to save his allowance and then go and buy the baby something to wear with the Pens logo. He is not decided yet, and I have not told him that it might be hard for him to find a place where he can buy Penguins merchandise around here. 

We have not yet made it to the shore, by the way. It is not the weather to be sitting around outside for long, currently. But I know what you mean, nature has that way of dwarfing us… I like that too.

I appreciate the offer for tours, but I do not think I will have the time when I come to Vegas with work – that will be in spring some time, I am not sure about the exact date. But the company keeps us on a pretty tight leash. Maybe they are afraid of losing us to all the light and glitter. (Glitter is great!))) Anyway, the company also makes sure we have transportation, so usually I do not have a car at my disposal.

You say so very sweet things, K, and then you make blowjob jokes. About  _ J and B. _ K, I can not and I really do not want to think about what J and B get up to in their spare time. That way lies madness, K, madness.

Alyosha


	41. Subject: Hello from your favorite fuck up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since a lot of you asked how Kent reacted to the last email, it happened something like this:  
> Kent: *reads email in the locker room after practice*  
> Kent: *drops phone, grabs Swoops*  
> Kent, whispering: he thinks my hockey is pretty. Swoops I’m dead I’ve died how do I even respond to that  
> Swoops: *laughs and makes plans to chirp him to hell and back*
> 
> Okay back to the emails :)

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Nov 16, 2015  
Subject: Hello from your favorite fuck up

Hi Alyosha,

So far, since my ex started working in the field, I hadn’t actually seen him. That changed this week. I had to travel for work and ended up working with him and, as expected, I didn’t handle it well. 

I had talked to my therapist about this, since I knew we’d be in the same place and working on a project together. We talked about how to interact professionally and all that. But being in the same room with him again really messed me up. Everything I’d talked about with her flew out of my head and I just got so angry. 

So, I made a stupid mistake, it was definitely my fault, don’t try to say otherwise, and I fucked up. Got chewed out by another coworker, someone who works with my ex, and there was some… not so nice language involved. And of course chewed out by my bosses. There were a ton of little comments all week, too. I know everyone hates me now. I fucked up. Again.

I hate that he still has this power over me! I think I’m finally moving on and then I see him again and it all comes rushing back. All my bad habits and self-destructive behavior and cruel words. I don’t know what to do. I hate this. 

Thinking I may need to go sit out in the desert for a while when I get home. Do some thinking. 

Your friend,

K   
  



	42. Subject: Not a fuck up

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Nov 18, 2015   
Subject: Not a fuck up

K,

Everyone does not hate you now.

So you made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. I make mistakes. And seeing your ex again is an emotional thing. It is okay if you maybe did not act like you wanted to. But K, you have come so far, and even if this set you back a little, it does not set you back all the way.

K, you are not a fuck up. Mistake or not, you do not deserve to be chewed out by your ex’s coworker, let alone with harsh language, okay?

I promise, the power he has over you will get less.

Be safe when you go into the desert, take enough water. Say hi to the rocks from me. Remember you are always welcome to call/text me.

Love,

Alyosha


	43. Text Log: 11/24/15 12:15pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you would like a text based version of this convo instead, click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671547/chapters/41679062).

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/32055522427/in/album-72157706545900164/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/32055522367/in/album-72157706545900164/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/32055522297/in/album-72157706545900164/)


	44. Subject: Anniversary

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Dec 15, 2015   
Subject: Anniversary

Dear K,

One year ago today, you wrote your first email to me, so I just wanted to check in with you and tell you how proud I am. You have come so far since last year)))

I know you are not ready to talk about some stuff with me, but that is okay. Let me know if and when you are ready, I will be here)))

Life updates from me: The little one is still excited for the baby. He hopes it will be a boy too, so they “can play hockey together”. I do not know if you noticed, but he is a big hockey fan, the little one))) I had to tell him that the baby will not be able to play hockey for a while, in any case. Then I told him that girls can also play hockey. It took me showing him videos of women hockey players (Amanda Kessel, for one) that he believed me, clearly we have been doing something wrong.

Gabby is doing good, and Marty is constantly doting on her. If he is like this with the second child, I cannot imagine what he was like when the little one was on his way.

J and B have introduced me to some of their college friends. They are a little weird – one of them always wants to discuss something. I have to admit that I play up Russian little when he around))) Sometimes, that does not help(( – but I like them. One or two of them might be coming to work in the same field as J and I, but we will see.

Snowy is behaving a little weirder than usual lately. I am suspecting that he is seeing someone, but I have not gotten any confirmation (or denial). Snowy still has time for me though, so I have plenty of time to be nosy about why he is being weird)))

I hope you are well.

Love,

Alyosha


	45. Subject: Checking in

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Jan 7, 2016   
Subject: Checking in

Dear K,

It has been a while since you wrote, I hope you are okay? Let me know??

Here, everything is mostly the same. Gabby is starting to joke that maybe she is a penguin, whenever the topic comes up, because she says she is starting to waddle. I do not think so, but I also do not think I should argue with her. The little one has started to ask where he can buy the baby Penguins’ clothes. I will probably give in and order something on the internet with him, but do not tell anyone that.

Also, I was totally right about Snowy – he brought his boyfriend over between American Christmas and New Years. I do not know where Snowy found him, because he has no relation to work in any way, and we are working a lot, but they seem very happy, so that is good.

Like last year, my family is here, and the whole house sometimes feels like a zoo. But is nice to have them all here with me.

Love,

Alyosha


	46. Subject: Re: Checking in

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Jan 16, 2016  
Subject: Re: Checking in

Hi Alyosha,

Sorry I kinda disappeared on you there. It was nice to text though. Back in November.

I’ve been doing alright, since then. Work is going well, the aftermath of that trip blew over, and my best friend has even been seeing someone. She’s a lovely woman and he’s considering coming out to her as bi. I’m really happy for him.

I’ve worked a lot with my therapist on preventing a repeat of the disaster last fall from happening again. I just found out I’ll be seeing him again in February. But I’m feeling much better about the prospect now.

Among my new habits and tactics for taking care of my mental health is my new cat! I just adopted her and I am already in love. I got her from the local humane society. She’s about 2 years old and very fluffy and soft. My therapist thought it would be good for me to have someone to come home to who doesn’t care what my past looks like. I definitely agree. My princess is already everything to me and I’ve only had her for two weeks.

My genius of a little sister got her grades back from her first semester of college and has managed a 4.0. I’m so freaking proud of her. She came to stay with me for her Christmas break since our mom has been even more hostile than normal lately. Neither of us wanted to be home. We had an amazing holiday without her, even though I had to work quite a bit while she was here. She even came with me to adopt my princess. She’s back east now and I miss having her around.

I’ve been inviting The Kid over some along with my best friend and some other work friends. The Kid’s doing great. He got a promotion, even being so new. They’re calling him the next… well, me. I’m so glad he’s not going through all the shit I did first, though. Makes me feel like I’m doing something right, having a protege haha. Also makes me feel old, but what are you gonna do.

Thanks for all the updates on your friends! I’ve never understood college people, so I’m right there with you thinking they’re weird. Or maybe J’s friends are weirder than normal. That’s hilarious that you play up your accent to get out of debates though. Do you not want to talk about stuff with him? I know you’re smart enough to.

Glad to hear the little one is still excited and that Marty and Gabby are doing well, even if there’s some waddling going on. Only a few more months now until the baby! And hey, I learned to skate at 3 so the baby could be playing hockey sooner than you think.

I was so surprised when you wrote about Snowy! Really happy to hear he’s found someone though. What’s his boyfriend like? Let me live vicariously through your friends!

I hope your family holiday went well, I know it stressed you out some last year. Happy belated holidays and belated email anniversary. You’re a bit of a sap, you know that? I like it though. Not a lot of people are sweet for me.

Your friend,

K


	47. Subject: Re: Checking in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I am a sucker for y'all, an update my time midnight. (Just saying though, this means a longer time between updates than usual, because I am like, _earlier_ than y'all stateside, so there's like, more hours than usual between this chapter and the next?)

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Jan 20, 2016   
Subject: Re: Checking in

K,

I am glad to hear from you!! Everything you wrote sounds great, and I think it is very good that you are still working with your therapist)))

I am crossing my fingers for your friend, everyone who is good to you deserves good themselves.

You tell me you got a cat, but do not send a picture??((( What is her name?? Give smooches from me!

I am sorry to hear about your mother, but I am glad that you and your sister had nice holidays together regardless of her. I want to say that the both of you do not need your mother, and that is true, but I know it is not that easy, with parents. Say hi to your sister from me and well done, 4.0!! (Had to ask J what exactly that means, but very impressive!) Very smart sister, smarter than me. And yes, I am not above playing up accent to get out of debates. I could probably argue my way out of it, but sometimes I do not want to debate at all, you know? Then, accent come in handy))) I think J’s friends know, but I do not care, either. I think they are weirder than normal college people, though…

You are only 24, if you are old, what am I?))) But I know what you mean. I have been hanging out with the little one more, to help Marty and Gabby out (not that they need it, but I think they appreciate it anyway), and there is no faster way to make yourself feel old than hanging out with a kid and his parents, talking about kid related stuff and pregnancy and those things. Such grown up topics. And then the little one barges in with so much energy… I do not know how he has so much energy in such a small body, it is so tiring.

Snowy’s boyfriend is great! Snowy sometimes comes with me to hang out with the little one, and once or twice he has brought the boyfriend along. It should feel like a cliché, that we suddenly have so many queer coworkers, but I do not care, it is great. Snowy’s boyfriend, he is quiet, but very funny. I do not always get the jokes, because he is very stealthy about his comments, but they are all high quality. He looks at Snowy like Snowy hung the moon, but Snowy looks back the same way, so I think it is alright. Very serious very quickly, but they are both kind of intense, so maybe it is just the way they are.

We did try a queer evening of sorts, with J and B and Snowy and the boyfriend, but that was just weird, because I was the odd one out. Also, the boyfriend and B do not get along very well. I do not know why, maybe it is just their personalities?

Holidays with the family went okay on this end. Sergei and his wife are seriously thinking about kids, so that is another thing that is making me feel old. And sappy. 

Because you are wrong, I am not a little bit sappy, I am a lot sappy, and I know it. Also sweet for you. Everyone who is not is wrong.

Love, 

Alyosha


	48. Subject: Re: Checking In

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Feb 12, 2016  
Subject: Re: Checking in

Hi Alyosha,

Apologies for not attaching a photo of my princess, one is attached now. She’s the best. I haven’t named her yet, though, I just keep calling her my princess. Maybe her name should just be Princess? Not sure. Let me know what you think. 

My best friend’s coming out to his girlfriend went well! He told me she was really chill about it and that she didn’t care what his sexuality was, only that he was happy. The story was sweet, but I’m pretty sure the actual occasion involved a lot more sex than he let on. They can’t keep their hands off each other, it’s cute. 

Having a queer night sounds like so much fun! I wish I had more queer friends so I could have one. It’s too bad that B and Snowy’s boyfriend don’t get along though. You said you thought it was their personalities? Are they too similar or too different? 

So happy Gabby’s pregnancy continues to go well. And I’m sure they appreciate you hanging out with the little one, if only so they can have some time to themselves before the new baby comes and they have next to none. 

Exciting news about Sergei and his wife, too! So many babies in your life right now. I’m a bit jealous. Are they starting their family soon? Or just talking about it? I’ve always wanted kids before 30 but seeing as I’m 24 and still closeted and single I don’t think it’s going to happen. 

In other news. I saw him again. The ex. It went… better. No work fuck ups, no one shouting, just… work. It still feels really weird to be working with him like this, even if only occasionally. But I didn’t fuck it all up. So I’m counting it as a success. 

I’ve been getting better at ignoring when people talk about him and dealing with people asking me about him, though that has also decreased a lot since that disaster in the fall. Not sure yet if I’ll be seeing him again for work in the near future, will have to wait to see what gets announced, but I’m growing in confidence that I can do this. 

Your friend,

K

PS I’m honored that you’re sappy over me. I think I might be getting a little sappy over you, too. 

Attachment: princess.jpg


	49. Subject: Pretty Princess

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: Feb 16, 2016   
Subject: Pretty Princess

K,

Thank you for the picture!! Prettiest princess. I am honoured that you ask me for naming suggestions – I think Princess fits her very well)))

Your comment about your friend made me laugh, J and B are the same, very hands on. You would not think it, if you only met J, but together… Which I think is part of the problem with Snowy’s boyfriend, because he (and Snowy) and B are … kind of opposite? I do not want to say that B is flamboyant, because he is not? But at the same time, he kind of is, do you know what I mean? And neither Snowy nor the boyfriend are particularly “loud”, so…

Maybe we can bring all the friends together some day? My friends and your friend and us)))

Sergei and his wife – I am not sure. I did not ask for details. There is some things that I do not need to know about my brother. I have to admit, I am a bit jealous of all the babies, too. Not because I want a baby myself asap, but more because I do not know if and when I will have a kid, you know? For now, I am happy as the favourite uncle, spending time with the little one. Marty joked the other day that if I tried to kidnap the little one, probably no one would notice, because he spends so much time with me anyway. I said “Come collect your kid tomorrow.” and sent Marty on his date night. 

All jokes aside, the little one is so much like Marty, it is very cute. Looks like a small version of Marty, and started to carry a wallet around. Why? Because Marty has a picture of the little one and Gabby and a sonogram of the baby in there, and the little one wanted that too. So now he has a wallet with a sonogram and a picture of Marty and Gabby from their wedding.))))

It is good to hear that your recent meeting with your ex went better, I knew you can do this!! I am sure if and when you see him again, it will go even better.

Speaking of work though, I will be more busy in the upcoming months and do not know yet how much I will be able to write. Will keep you up to date regarding the baby, in any case!

Love,

Alyosha

P.S. <3


	50. Textlog: Snowy + Tater

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/46944554852/in/album-72157706545900164/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Transcript can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671547/chapters/41953715) in chapter 2 of the Transcripts work


	51. Subject: Re: Pretty Princess

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Feb 20, 2016  
Subject: Re: Pretty Princess

Hi Alyosha,

My princess continues to be damn near perfect. I am so happy I adopted her. I can’t even explain. I’ve got a cat sitting service going now for when I have to travel for work and they’re amazing. 

I know what you mean by loud and not flamboyant but kinda flamboyant. I think I’d put myself in the same camp. But I work in a really “manly” field so no one questions it, even if I like glitter and fruity drinks and dancing a lot more than your average straight guy. That’s just Vegas! It’s good that J has someone to bring him out of his shell though. Opposites attract, right? 

I’d love to meet your friends sometime. And you. Especially you. Maybe in the future. I do want to meet you. I’m just scared. 

The little one carrying a wallet and having sleepovers with you is the cutest. You trying to kill me with how cute your life is? Because you’re succeeding. 

Thanks for your support with my dealing with my ex. It means a lot that I have someone to talk to when I’m feeling overwhelmed. 

It’s getting busy here, too, but I think this year will be a good busy. I’m hanging with my best friend, his girlfriend, and The Kid and his best friend from work and it’s a good group. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on life while I’m busy at work this year. 

Please do keep me updated on the baby though! I am so excited for them and I don’t even know them haha 

Your friend,

K

PS <3


	52. Subject: Baby Girl!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another midnight drop, because waking up to y'all's comments is 💜💙💚

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: April 7, 2016   
Subject: Baby Girl!!!

Dear K,

I have just noticed that with all the texting, I forgot to actually answer your email. It is certainly quicker just to text, is it not? I apologize for not texting the last couple of days though, they were a bit of a whirlwind. So I thought an email was appropriate.

Two days ago, Gabby gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! Both Gabby and the baby are well, and already back home. The timing worked out pretty well too, because we are currently in a less hectic phase at work (before we’ll start the busiest time of the year next week) so Marty is currently at home with Gabby and the baby (and the in-laws), and the little one spends some time with me after school. (He says hi!) As it turns out, newborn babies are not very interesting for older brothers, because they “either sleep or cry”.))

As babies go, Sasha is very cute, I think. And so soft and tiny! I have held her for a bit already and I never wanted to give her back, but I was also very afraid of hurting her somehow. Being a new parent must be so exhausting, and they all look tired, but also very happy. I try not to be under foot too much.

Maybe in the summer, when we both are not as busy anymore, we could meet up? I know you are scared, and if you say no, that is okay, but think about it?

Love,

Alyosha


	53. Subject: Re: Baby Girl!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A midnight drop for y’all because I couldn’t wait until morning to share this one

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: Apr 10, 2016  
Subject: Re: Baby Girl!!!

Hi Alyosha,

Congrats to Gabby and Marty! And of course to little one on being a big brother! Glad to hear everything went well and that baby and mom are home and healthy. I remember being a new big brother. It was awesome but also crazy. Tell the little one it gets more fun :)

I have to admit I didn’t realize how much I missed our long emails until I got that one from you. It’s nice to exchange cat photos and silly anecdotes but I like our emails, too. 

While I’m writing, some updates on my life. My sister is doing well in semester number two at college. She said she’s not dating anyone but I think maybe she’s just not dating  _ seriously  _ enough to tell her brother about. I’m okay with that though. I trust her to make good decisions. 

The Kid has been doing well at work and he’s doing well with the stress of the busy season. I think he’s gonna be alright. I hope so. 

Work is still busy and probably will be through May at least. We’ll see. I’ll still send photos of my princess of course. 

I’d really like to meet this summer. Please don’t be upset if I can’t go through with it though. I want to. But I’m still so scared. 

Love,

K


	54. Subject: The Kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another midnight drop because *shrug* I’m still awake

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: May 2, 2016  
Subject: The Kid

Hi Alyosha,

Big news! It turns out the kid and I have more in common than previously thought. He came out to me last night. It definitely caught me off guard but I guess my gaydar just sucks like that. I didn’t have any idea my best friend wasn’t straight either. 

We had a long talk about what it would be like to be in the closet and what it would be like to come out, if he does decide to do that. In the end, we mostly just chatted about being gay. As gays do. 

I don’t think he’s looking to make any waves and come out but I told him I’d support him 100% if he did choose to do that. I hope I can be half the support for him that you’ve been for me. 

I know you’re busy with work and probably also helping Marty with the baby but write me sometime? I like getting emails from you, even if we’ve texted recently. 

Love,

K


	55. Subject: Re: The Kid

From:  spudnik7 @gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: May 10, 2016   
Subject: Re: The Kid

Dear K,

Look at you go!! Gaydar may be broken, but the kid trusts you enough to come out to you. Very proud – of you and of the kid))) Say hi to him from me! I think it is good that he has you, believe that you will be very helpful for him to have))

Sasha is doing great – maaaybe she is starting to smile instead of having wind already. Marty and Gabby are not in agreement about it. Marty swears she is smiling, but Gabby insists she is not. But she started to wave her fists around and kick. Very strong little girl. I think maybe the little one feels a little neglected, because he needs a lot of attention of course and Marty and I have to work a lot and now that the first set of grandparents is gone again and the other is not here yet, there is less time for the little one. But! He is dealing pretty well with it, I think. He and I bought a Penguins onesie for Sasha, and a little penguin plushie – the persuading has begun, but I have to admit, is very cute))) (I attached a picture with Marty’s permission, so you can see too!)

Sasha and I will take a nap now)))

Love,

Alyosha

 

[attachment: babygirl.jpg]


	56. Subject: [no subject]

From:  spudnik7@gmail.com   
To:  specialk91@gmail.com   
Sent: June 7, 2016   
Subject: [no subject]

Dear K,

I am sorry I went dark for some days, so here is apology email))

The other day, I injured my knee and I am currently not allowed to allowed to work, which frustrates me a lot, because there is so much going on at work right now and I want to help. I spent a lot of the last couple of days with J and B – B is having a lot of pie at hand. The little one came to visit, as well as friends of mine and friends of J and B, so I am not very bored. Still, it is frustrating being sidelined now.

I also have not seen Sasha for a while, because of how busy work was and now with the injury I do not want to put more on Gabby’s (and Marty’s) plate by coming to visit with my bum knee. Marty’s parents are currently visiting with them, so the house is full anyway. But the little one tells me she is doing the usual (“boring”) stuff, so I imagine she is doing good. 

Maybe I will try to read some of the books I have on my list, but it is hard concentrating on the books when I want to work and am not allowed.

Tell me about your plans for the summer, to distract me? Maybe I will come to Vegas this year?

Love,

Alyosha


	57. Subject: Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter count went down because we've decided to spin off some of the remaining planned chapters into an extra to be published later. it'll make sense, i promise.

From:  specialk91@gmail.com   
To:  spudnik7@gmail.com [](mailto:spudnik7@gmail.com)   
Sent: June 9, 2016   
Subject: Distraction

Hi Alyosha,

I’m sorry to hear you are hurt! Did you injure yourself at work? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it but make sure you file for workman’s comp if you can. I know being out is frustrating but you have to take care of yourself. Going back before you’re healed and hurting yourself more will only be worse in the long run. 

I’m glad you’re getting rest and that J and B are taking care of you. I’m only a little jealous. I can’t say I would provide pie but I make a mean chicken noodle soup. 

But you asked for distraction! So. Here goes.

My sister just got grades back from her second semester of college! She didn’t quite manage the 4.0 this semester because she got a B in Multivariable Calculus but considering I can barely pronounce that much less do any of it, I say she’s doing amazing. 

She did admit that she did a little casual dating but nobody worth writing home about. Probably she didn’t want to subject whoever it was to her protective older brother just yet. Fine with me, honestly. Thinking about her dating makes me nervous, even though is she’s already 19. 

She’s staying with me for a couple of weeks before she starts an internship back home, where she’s staying with our mom. She’s gotten a little better since we stood up to her bullshit at the holiday but she’s still a lot to handle. I’m hoping to take some time later in the summer to go visit them, but we’ll see what M thinks when it gets closer.

The Kid has decided he doesn’t want to be the first person to come out at work. Did I tell you I came out to him? We’ve talked about it a lot, and with my best friend (he also came out to The Kid), me, and him, we’ve decided to just have an internal support system for now and not try to organize anyone’s coming outs. He doesn’t like being in the closet but having a support system is mostly what he needs. So for now it’s enough. I told him I’d try to set him up on some dates if I ever meet anyone outside our work haha.

My best friend and his girlfriend continue to be sickeningly adorable. He’s rather tall and pretty well muscled and she’s kinda short and thin so they’re a funny pair, but when we all go out after work or whatever she’ll sit on his leg and wrap an arm around his neck and they’re just the cutest. They don’t get too wrapped up in other, they’re not the kind of couple that ignores everyone around them, but they’re always aware of the other. It’s sweet. I’m happy for him, even if I am a little bit envious.

Work’s busy period ended a few weeks ago so I’ve just been keeping myself occupied around Vegas and with M. It wasn’t the best of times for us, but I’m satisfied with my team’s work, so that’s gotta count for something. My boss wasn’t super happy with how it turned out but I told him we’d do it next time and kept him from taking it out on my team. Nobody messes with my team. 

My plans for the summer are pretty up in the air still. My best friend is planning a trip with his girlfriend and while they invited me along I don’t want to be a third wheel. They deserve a nice vacation. Once M goes back east tomorrow, I’ll probably just hang out with the guys from work, throw another birthday party in July, and hopefully I’ll be able to go visit M in August before she goes back to school. Nothing super exciting. 

I spent some time out in the desert with the rocks again after the work things slowed down, just reflecting on the year and all the work we’ve done and on my life and stuff. And also about you and your offer to come to Vegas. I would love if you came out to visit me. I can’t guarantee I won’t still panic a little about it but I really want to meet you in person. 

I can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that you’ve been with me through all of this over the last 18 months. I don’t know where I’d be without you. 

I’ll follow this up with some pictures of my princess to help distract you more. 

Love, 

K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i teased this in some of the comments but tomorrow's update is a BIG one. get ready!


	58. Subject: Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another midnight release because I literally cannot go to sleep with nerves for posting this chapter

From: specialk91@gmail.com  
To: spudnik7@gmail.com  
Sent: June 12, 2016  
Subject: Me

Hi Alyosha,

I’m really nervous to be writing this but I have to. I am sitting in a bar right now with my coworkers watching the Stanley Cup being lifted by the Falconers and watching Jack Zimmermann kissing his boyfriend at center ice. Congrats, btw, your team isn’t so bad after all.

But the reason I’m writing is to tell you why I’ve been so secretive about my identity and that scares the shit out of me. I’ve got people around me who are being amazing about it (like my best friend, Jeff) and people who are being shit about it (fuck off, Carl) and I just can’t do this anymore.

K stands for Kent. As in, Kent Parson. That’s me. Captain of the Las Vegas Aces. You’re probably filling in some holes right now but I’ll go ahead and explain.

Jack Zimmermann is my ex-whatever. We played together in juniors and when I went in the draft and he dropped out, he cut me out. I showed up at his college to try to get him to come to the Aces. Obviously it didn’t work but I had to try.

Everyone was talking about him because he signed with the Falcs and everyone was bugging me because we used to be friends. The rumors said we were more and they were right, though I trust you’ll keep that bit between us. His going pro brought all of that out of the woodwork again. The disaster back in November was with the Aces @ Falcs game where I let my anger get the better of me and made a stupid move that could have injured their goalie. I’m sure you saw it. Hopefully it makes a little more sense now why it’s been so stressful having him in my professional life.

That’s not to say I’m not happy for him! He’s clearly found a relationship he’s happy in, probably why he turned me down that December. Either way, I’m proud of him and I’m glad he’s happy. And maybe it means I can come out some day, or other LGBT NHL players can.

I understand if you don’t believe me, I know it’s a little crazy to claim such a big thing, but I’m happy to prove it to you somehow, send a photo with something super specific or whatever.

I hope you’ll forgive me for all my secrets and a couple of little white lies to keep my identity hidden. I trust you and I hope we can still be friends now that you know who I really am.

Love always,

Kent


	59. Subject: Re: Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People kept asking AK to post at her midnight in Europe, and it’s a K post but we obliged anyways.

From: specialk91@gmail.com   
To: spudnik7@gmail.com   
Sent: June 15, 2016  
Subject: Re: Me

Hi Alyosha,

I know you’re probably mad at me. Or don’t believe me. Or whatever. But can you just reply? Let me know you read my last email? Even if it’s just to say you don’t want to talk to me ever again. 

Love always,

Kent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides from thrown vegetables*


	60. Text Log: 6/17/16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, the transcript is available in the next work in the series, or by clicking [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17671547/chapters/42255185).

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/33121607588/in/album-72157706545900164/)   
[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/40032374313/in/album-72157706545900164/)   
[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/33121607478/in/album-72157706545900164/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know we've generally posted together when the boys write different people in the same day but we've elected to split this up from the next convo for Drama Reasons.


	61. Text Log: 6/17/16

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/46997137471/in/album-72157706545900164/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> image description: a screenshot of a text message to Alyosha with a single text sent, reading "hey. i sent you an email. please let me know if you’ve read it?"


	62. 6/18/16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we may have been a little too mean with this morning's update, so you get another one.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/75983667@N03/40244378973/in/dateposted-public/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [image description: a screenshot of an incoming phone call from Alyosha at 5:47pm. End description.]  
> see you tomorrow for a proper update!


	63. Subject: Alyosha

From: kentvparson@gmail.com  
To: Jeffery.p.Troy@gmail.com  
Sent: June 20, 2016  
Subject: Alyosha

Sorry for disappearing like a jerk. I saw your texts, I just didn’t want to type all this out on my phone. So you get an email.

Here’s what happened with Alyosha.

You were right, he hadn’t seen my emails. I texted him and instead of, like, texting me back, he hopped on a plane and flew to Vegas. He called me from the airport, asked me where we could meet. I’m not kidding. He just flew here.

I was a little shocked that he had dropped everything to fly across the country to see me, but I was mostly happy that he wasn’t ghosting me, so I told him to meet me at Carson. I know it’s super crowded but I wasn’t thinking, okay? And they know me there, it seemed safe.

I got there way earlier than he did, and I was sitting there scrolling Twitter and trying not to flip out and run like the Disaster Gay I am, when he called me again. He said he was outside and coming in and please to not be mad. Which freaked me out, because I was already bracing for the worst before he said that. But then he walked through the door.

This is the bit where it gets surreal. Because standing in the door was Alexei Mashkov, Alyosha to his friends and family, D-man for the Falcs.

I can guarantee my face did something weird because he looked so scared for that first moment our eyes met. But then I put it together, Alyosha as a nickname for Alexei, his weirdly similar work schedule to mine, “Marty” is Sebastien St. Martin, his friend Snowy is _the_ Snowy. It all fell into place. I feel kinda dumb that I didn’t put it together before, honestly, but I was so scared of him figuring me out it didn’t even occur to me to wonder about his identity. He did leave a lot of clues looking back, and I’m definitely planning to tease him about telling me he named his friend Snowy after the Falcs goalie when he _was_ the Falcs goalie. Anyways.

So I smiled at him and stood and he came over and, damn he gives the best hugs. We just stood there hugging for a minute. He asked me if I was mad and I told him no, that I was ecstatic. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I may have also teared up a little bit.

We sat down to eat. I filled in some of the holes I’d left in our correspondence and he told me about the people in his life. It was like catching up with an old friend. I felt like I’d known him forever.

We did talk about Jack, which was super awkward, but it sounds like he is really happy and he’s Alyosha’s friend, so I think I may be seeing him again sooner rather than later. Alyosha promised to stick by my side for anything that happens. And I believe him.

After dinner, we went back to my place and talked more, basically all night. Until I kissed him. And he kissed me back. And, Swoops, holy shit. All these years being alone were worth it for how _right_ it feels to kiss him. I know you don’t want deets or anything but oh my _God._

So that was two days ago. We haven’t really left my apartment yet. He only has a few days of clothes with him so we’ll have to leave eventually, but it’s not like we need clothes for laying around talking and... You know.

We’re talking about heading out for a vacation together, just the two of us, maybe Hawaii? And some time in Providence to meet his friends and stuff. Plus he has PT for his knee. I do want you to meet him, maybe dinner tomorrow with Anna? He knows a lot about you and I’d like if you want to meet him.

If you don’t, that’s okay. I get that it’s a lot. I told him my best friend was bi so if you meet him he’ll probably put it together, he may have already and just not said anything, idk. And I get not wanting to be out to another player. But I trust him. And I’d like if you two became friends, too.

I know you are probably really weirded out by all of this, believe me, I get it. But -- and don’t tell him this -- I think I’m already in love with him. I was probably a little bit in love with him before I met him, really. Meeting him in person just clicked it into place.

I am willing to do anything to make this work. He’s it for me. And I’m pretty sure he’s in the same place. He’s a sap like that. Even if he hasn’t said anything yet, the way he looks at me makes me melt.

I have no idea how this is going to work once the season starts. I still don’t really want to be out and I know he doesn’t yet, mostly because of Russia and his family back there, but we have a lot to think about. Like, if we spend a lot of time together and the rumors about me and Zimms start insinuating him. That would be crap.

But I don’t want to give up without trying.

I’m so happy but I’m also so scared. I don’t have the best track record with romantic relationships. I don’t want to screw this up. I called my therapist about it and she encouraged open communication and clear expectations. I’m trying as best I can but please call me on my bullshit if you notice me doing stupid shit.

I hope you are up for meeting Alyosha tomorrow. I’ll text you if I don’t hear from you by morning.

Cap


	64. The Players' Tribune, 12/15/18

**Dear “A”**

By Alexei Mashkov

About four years ago, in September 2014, The Players’ Tribune published an anonymous article titled “I’m a (Closeted) Gay Professional Athlete” that would go on to change my life. The author was simply listed as “A”.

I do not know whether “A” is actually the initial of the author or if it was just convenient to shorten “Anonymous”, but either way, it turned out to be very poetic: Along with other resources, “A” listed “In Your Corner”, an ally pen pal program, and I signed up as an ally. A little while later, in December, I got the first email through the program – the man looking for an ally was 23 (a year younger than I was at the time), he was alone, insecure, and only gave an initial, “K”. 

And for a while, even though I offered other alternatives, he only called me “A”.

That man was Kent Parson and today, he is my fiance.

***

Let me start at the beginning.

Four years ago, I was a 24 year old, gay NHL player.

I was out to my family and some close friends. I was not out to anyone on my team, the Providence Falconers, or anyone else remotely related to hockey, excluding my agent, and despite the rumours of other queer players around the league, I did not see that changing anytime soon.

And then “A” published his article, and I could identify with so much of what he wrote. I was not ready to make any big steps, but I figured I could start small.

Join “In Your Corner” as an ally.

Maybe come out to some of the team.

You know, it is funny, how open a secret can be, and still stay secret. How many people can know about a player, and it still not being public knowledge.

Some teams are better with queer players than others. Some do not want to deal and trade the player away as soon as they can. If you know what you are looking for, you can identify those teams easily. 

Or maybe just the people in charge. I guess it is unfair, judging teams by the people who make the decisions.

The Falconers never were an organization like that.

The 2014/15 season would be my third season playing with them, and I knew most of the team, could take a guess how they’d react.

Still, being out to them felt like a risk. A risk I was not willing to take, yet.

So I signed up as an ally, and I got “K”.

K was cagey with personal information to the point where he did not give me any names, even fake ones. (Of course, I was not all that forthcoming with information that could identify me either.) He had a boat load of issues.

But he came out to his friend after I mentioned once that I was thinking of coming out to a work friend, even though he was not sure about his reaction. So I figured, if K can do it, I can too.

As much as I was the “ally” in this situation, signing up for the program had given me someone to talk to, too. Someone who did not know my name, my stats, the money I made.

Someone brave, who loved his sister, and tall, dark, handsome men with an accent.

Looking back, I was falling for K faster than I noticed at the time.

***

We had been talking for almost a year when the new season started, and I got a new teammate.

Jack Zimmermann.

He and I became friends very quickly, and then Jack introduced us – that is, Marty, at the time the other A with the Falcs’, and I – to his boyfriend, Bitty. (Amazing pies. The team nutritionist was not amused.) Of course that just meant that we got even closer – gotta stick together, as the queer ones.

That season went … pretty well.

And all the time, I was still talking to K.

And I thought back to “A”, and his promise that it would get better, and I thought, “maybe”.

But I still did not want to be the first out NHL player.

Of course, as we all know, that would be Jack.

***

After winning the Cup, after Jack came out, the days blurred together a little. Party after party after party.

Lots of pie. (Thanks, Little B.)

Some appointments with doctors because of my knee.

And, in my inbox, an email from K in which he told me his real name.

I can only imagine how much courage it took to sent that email, and then I did not answer.

Kent wrote a follow up email.

And I did not answer.

It took me five days before I read the email.

All I could think about was that K had taken an incredibly hard step, and that I had not answered. I needed to see him face to face, as soon as possible. (I was maybe also thinking a little about how  _ my _ K was also  _ Kent Parson _ , the pretty guy with even prettier hockey.)

It took me another day and a half to calm down, get a flight and get to Vegas. I did not think about answering Kent’s emails, or text him, or call him. I did not consider that he might not be in Vegas. Neither did any of the friends I talked to about it.

Fair warning: Winning the Stanley Cup (and going on a bender) and finding out who your crush is will make you a little stupid.

I was napping a little on the flight, dreaming of Kent picking me up at the airport, and only then did it cross my mind that I was coming to Vegas, but Kent did not know.

So once we had landed and I had deplaned, I finally called Kent. The line rang for what felt like forever – I didn’t have any checked luggage with me, and I was already in line for a taxi – when Kent finally answered, with a very, very careful “Alyosha?”.

The first thing I did was  apologize for not answering his email. I hadn’t seen it, I said, and forgot to tell him why. Where should I come meet you, I asked, before telling him that I was in Vegas, before asking if he even wanted to meet me.

I did not remember that he also did not know who I was, either.

Until I sat down in the back of a taxi and remembered that Kent didn’t know that I was Alexei Mashkov and that, historically, as players on opposing teams, we did not have the best track record. For me, learning that K was actually Kent Parson had been pretty positive, but would Kent see it the same way?

When I arrived at the restaurant, I did not go in immediately. Instead, I called Kent again. I could see him picking up his phone through the windows … I couldn’t think of anything else to say but “Please do not be angry.”

***

Obviously we worked it out, or I would not be writing this article today. 

That was not the end of our story. Neither is this.

But we wanted to take a moment to thank an anonymous athlete for giving us a beginning, a place to start. For giving us hope, when our futures looked less colorful than they do now.

Thank you, A.

Yours, 

Alyosha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVERYONE! Thank you _so much_ for keeping up with us, for all the kudos and comments you left us along the way, it’s amazing receiving them. We couldn’t have guessed at such a wonderful reception and we’re very glad you liked this fic as much as we do. For now, we will be leaving Kent and Tater to themselves, but! There will be extras! Keep an eye on this series, [Ari’s tumblr](https://willdexpoindexter.tumblr.com/) or [Lukutoukka’s tumblr](https://vanillivilovesreus.tumblr.com/) to keep up to date with how that’s going. If there’s anything you’d really like to see, shoot us a message and maybe (life allowing) we’ll include it as an extra.
> 
> Thank you. 
> 
> 💜💙💚💛🧡❤️


End file.
